Did you ever see the “Simpsons” episode where Mr. Burns goes to the Mayo Clinic for his annual physical?
I was sort of reminded of it today as I spent a full day at Anschutz Medical Campus for a kidney transplant evaluation. A kidney transplant–any organ transplant I would guess–is a very complicated procedure and so they want to make sure a potential recipient is ready and able.
The day started slowly. I was in the waiting room when an impossibly old man came in. You’d have to cut him in half and count the rings to get an accurate age. Once he checked in and sat down, he engaged in that common behavior of our beloved senior citizen population: He had a long awkward conversation with a different hospital on speakerphone.
“DATE OF BIRTH? APRIL 18TH 19 AUGHT 6!”
“NO, I–YES, AN MRI! HUH? WHICH OFFICE IS CLOSER TO DENVER?”
And so forth. He was actually a nice guy. Loud phone talker. But nice.
Soon enough I got an electrocardiogram, and an ultrasound. (That’s the one where they rub the goop on you and use the wand thingy to take pictures of your heart and other organs.)
But most of the day was spent talking. I had sessions with a nurse, a surgeon, a nephrologist, a dietician, a financial consultant and others. Among the things I know now that I did not know 24 hours ago:
-Those who get a kidney transplant have twice the lifespan of those who continue getting dialysis treatments long-term.
-There is a panel of people at UC Denver Health who determine who moves forward in the process to get a kidney, based on the results of the evaluation.
-The actual transplant surgery is about a 3-day affair, but I would be expected to remain in Colorado for nearly a full month. (That sound is my boss and coworkers cursing me.) I’d have to hang on because they need to make sure the transplant is working.
-I need a team of people to attend the surgery. Not to sit in the operating theater and drop a Junior Mint into my gut, but to be there in a support role.
-Immediately after the transplant I am going to be prescribed medication to weaken my immune system. This is because the immune system is going to see the newly implanted organ as an enemy. Ain’t science grand?
Like I said, it was a long day of learning, talking and reading. And now……. I need to grab a kidney from somewhere. A friend of mine on Facebook just moments ago said I am, and I quote, “a wee bit stubborn about asking for help.” Well, here comes a big, fat, hairy ask.
My blood type is O. The experts say living donors are the best possible option.
uchealthlivingdonor.org
I would ask Kalin to give me a kidney but he saved my life last year. 2024 is someone else’s year.