In 2013 (at least, I’m reasonably certain it was 2013) the Main Street Players community theater group here in Alliance presented a variety show spotlighting classic sketches from “The Carol Burnett Show”. In one sketch I played Andy Hardy (“It’s because I’m short, I know.” -Davy Jones). In an “As The Stomach Turns” episode I played the “sissy play director” in Canoga Falls. And I wrote one sketch for the show, because…well…we liked writing our own material whenever possible.
This sketch was performed before a live audience with Mr. Krohe as the TV show guest, Shawn Weibert as the stage manager, and me as the TV show host.
(Curtain opens on JASON sitting on a stool. SHAWN walks in with KALIN.)
SHAWN: Your guest has arrived.
JASON: Thanks Shawn. How long till we’re on the air?
SHAWN: Two minutes.
JASON: Okay.
SHAWN: Councilman Abrams, a pleasure meeting you. And…ah…good luck. (SHAWN steps to the side.)
KALIN: Good luck?
JASON: So just to make sure my research department has everything right…this is your first year on the Wichita City Council?
KALIN: Uh..yes…I was elected back in November.
JASON: By a very slim margin as I recall.
KALIN: Well…I hope I can gain the trust of the people..even the ones who didn’t vote for me.
JASON: So, have you ever seen this show?
KALIN: No.
JASON: Good!
KALIN: Huh?
JASON: I mean…I like people to come to the show with a fresh perspective. Now we’ll be talking primarily about your senior citizen bus funding proposal. And listen…I know you haven’t done a lot of TV appearances…I find the best thing for a guest to do is just concentrate on our conversation.
KALIN: That makes sense.
JASON: Whatever you do, don’t think about the fact that as soon as that red light goes on, everything you say and do will be seen by hundreds of thousands of people. (KALIN becomes slack-jawed with terror.) Just sit back, relax and it’ll all be over before you know it.
SHAWN: 10 SECONDS! (KALIN jumps and falls off the stool. SHAWN begins to count down as KALIN gets back into position)
JASON: Good evening Wichita! I’m Anderson Donaldson and this…is Hot Seat. City councilman Bob Abrams…you’ve just announced a proposal to allocate $3 million dollars for free public transportation for senior citizens. Why do we need it?
KALIN: Gaaaa…..uhh…..mmmuuu…
JASON: Councilman Abrams appears to be a bit nervous…let’s start at the beginning. Why do you think senior citizens need free public transportation?
KALIN (settling down): We–well…our elderly community is dealing with a lot of health issues…knee and hip injuries, arthritis, back pain…
JASON: So wait a minute. What you’re saying is that our senior citizens–the same people who defeated the Nazis back in W W 2–can’t walk two blocks to the donut shop?
KALIN: No…no…that’s not what I–We’ve been holding a series of town hall meetings to raise awareness on this issue…the fact is, our seniors need affordable access to bus routes.
JASON: So you’re saying old people are weak and helpless.
KALIN: Weak?!? Helpless!??!
JASON: He said it! You heard him say it! Councilman, you’ve got a lot of nerve trying to rob our taxpayers out one side of your mouth, and insult America’s Greatest Generation with the other! And we’ll be right back.
SHAWN: Back in 30 seconds!
KALIN: What…what the heck?!
JASON: You’re doing very well. Just keep punching. Have I mentioned that this show gets quoted in all the Sunday papers?
SHAWN: Five…four…three…two…
JASON: And we’re back! I’m Anderson Donaldson, and this is City Councilman Bob Abrams. He may look innocent, but he should be wearing a ski mask and brandishing a shotgun, because he’s trying to rob you and I of three million hard-earned tax dollars.
KALIN: No no no no no. Wait a minute! None of the money for my senior citizen busing proposal would come from taxes. It would all come from the state Keno fund.
JASON: Thereby perpetuating this state’s gambling addiction problem.
KALIN: Wait–what?
JASON: I think I see now…you’re perfectly willing to throw this state’s 350,000 compulsive gamblers under the bus, as long as Grandma doesn’t have to pay 50 cents to ride it!
KALIN: I give up.
JASON: Well, it’s like we say around here: If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the seat!
KALIN: Seat–hey, that reminds me! Do you know an Agnes Donaldson?
JASON: That’s…uh…my mother.
KALIN: At my last Town Hall meeting she made a very interesting comment….I had my assistant write up a transcript….
JASON: I’m not sure we have time…how much time Shawn?
SHAWN: Four minutes.
KALIN: She said, and I quote, “Councilman Donaldson, I am so pleased that you are working hard to make free public transportation a reality for senior citizens such as myself…”
JASON: That’s great, well Councilman–
KALIN: “I will be especially reliant on the free bus service as my son, who never calls and hasn’t even visited me in several years, is always too busy doing that horrible TV program of his to give me a ride to the beauty parlor. Frankly, I’m so ashamed of him that I’d rather take the bus anyway.”
JASON: Mommy said that?
KALIN: “It’s my own fault for not making him stick with his tuba lessons.”
JASON: Uh….it looks like we’re just about out of time.
KALIN: I’m not done! “If he had majored in music appreciation instead of journalism he’d be first string tuba in the Wichita Symphony Orchestra.”
JASON: Wichita City Councilman Bob Abrams, thanks for being with us.
KALIN: “I should have known Anderson would be a problem child…he was a bed wetter until age 17…”
JASON: Next week Governor Bailey takes the Hot Seat…we’ll be asking him about that blonde lady he was seen with at the opera. Goodnight!
SHAWN: We’re clear!
KALIN: Well, thanks for having me on your show! (KALIN exits)
JASON: I think I’m going to be sick.